How to fix the Olympics

(NO, not like THAT, badminton teams)

The Olympics, as has been well established by the proceedings of the last five days, are shit. No getting around it. It's a piss-dismal shambles, a farrago of masturbatory irrelevance, a bucket of arse. Shit sports, shit weather, shit hosts, shit coverage, shit uniforms. Shit, really. It needs sorting.

And Your Correspondent, it may not surprise you terribly much to learn, is just the man to sort it. The World of Bollocks presents a seven point plan in ten point font entitled:

How To Unfuck The Olympics

by Dr B.A. Yobbo age 34 ⅓

1. It's a scientific fact that the Olympics are overrun by a bloated shit-porridge of massively irrelevant sports. Dressage. Ping-pong. Things Britain are good at. All has to go. Of course, it's not always necessary to throw the baby out with the bathwater, unless it's baby recycling this week. Some 'events', those contrived beyond recognition from actual sports, could be revitalised simply by introducing some much needed REALISM. For the pigeon shooting, use real pigeons. For the Laser sailing, use real Lasers. And for the trampoline, use real tramps.

Protest lodged: tree failed to give way to starboard

2. In order to bring efficiency and on-time delivery of sportainment to the attention-deficient masses, the bloated fixtures list of several core sports will need to be pruned. This can be done by streamlining all the myriad variants of each sport into the one race. In the case of swimming, any half-sober sports scientist will admit that breaststroke, backstroke and butterfly are all just flawed, sub-standard ways of getting from one end of a pool to another. Swimming races will henceforth be held as 'whoever can get their arse down the other end and back the fastest, short of strapping a Mercury outboard to your ringpiece'. If you can do the entire length underwater, good fucking luck to you. If you can run along the bottom like Fred Flintstone driving down the shops, more power to you son. This should reduce the swimming programme down to a reasonably manageable size from its current length of half the cuntbadgering Olympics, and should free Ray Hadley up to do what he does best, ruining rugby league on TV and being a racist cunt on radio. Athletics events will be held under similar rules, which should bring a merciful end to the practice of 'walking' events, in which participants are required to lurch about as though incredibly angry about having a dislocated arse.

3. Given recent unpleasant events, in order to ablate certain clear and present confusion about the nature and object of the sport, and in particular that the aim of the exercise is to play well and win, the sport will be renamed GOODminton.

Bunch of cocks

4. Synchronised anything will be banned immediately and its practitioners sent away for re-education.

5. TV coverage of the Olympics will be drastically revised. In order to the endemic parochialism, condescention, borderline racism, froth and bullshit of pretty much all Olympic coverage, commentators will be wired up to Twitter, such that they receive a short, sharp electric shock to the rude bits whenever they say anything fucking stupid. For OH&S reasons, a mercy rule will be applied at a point to be determined by IOC medical staff, which is good news for dribbling arsehats like Rebecca Wilson. For certain sports where it is clear that only a handful of commentators can effectively explain the nuances of the events, commentary will be outsourced to experts in the field. All cycling commentary will be contracted out to Sherliggett, mainly for the lulz and the drinking for Big Fuck Off Chateaux, with the IOC genital electrodes primed for any gushing mention of British cycling awesomeness more than five times a minute. Finally, all gymnastics commentators will be immediately fired and replaced by Roy and HG.

DRINK

6. Following on from point #5, as a result of heavy criticism of US Olympic broadcaster NBC over showing Olympic events on delay in order to fill preferred programming timeslots, NBC will now be covering all Team USA competitors and teams live. However, in order for NBC to meet its commitments to its sponsors, all American competitors will now be required to compete on delay. It shall be interesting to see whether the 2012 Dream Team can monster the basketball competition while having to turn up to play four hours after everyone else has fucked off and the arena has been locked up.

7. Two words: Monster trucks. 

I don't care how, just find a fucking way to get them in there.

The Dark Knight Rises

Any questions? Make the invoice out to the usual shell company in the Caymans there Jacques.

The Doctor is OUT.