Friday Night Football
Manly vs Newcastle, Grahame Park, Gosford
Apparently last week was the 20th anniversary of the Broncs' debut touchup of reigning premiers Manly (best known either for the 44-10 scoreline or for Manly prop Don McKinnon caught short on live TV hanging a sly slash on-field - better still his day job was as a copper with the NSW Police); I actually thought 1988 was 19 years ago but then again I didn't go to high school in Queensland, as at the time noone did. In any case, one hopes this week's match will commemorate another glorious day in the memories of anyone who hates Manly, and therefore loves rugby league - their last-second capitulation to the Knights in the 1997 ARL Grand Final, the match that basically saved rugby league as a going concern. Newcastle are a thoroughly busted arse outfit at this stage of the game, while Manly are riding high after seeing off the similarly busted Broncos last week. Manly to win, unfortunately. While that 1988 game was the first step along the handover process that saw the Broncos theft Manly's mantle of the most hated team in all of rugby league, don't think we've forgotten how to hate you Northern Beaches clowns. There's still the stench of Bozo bloody Fulton, Terry fucking Hill and Matthew cunting Ridge about the place.
Wests vs Easts, The Grand Old Girl Stadium Australia, Homebush
Wests are up and down like Britney's smalls at present (here today, gone late today, as Frenzals once put it) while Easts are undefeated under Brad Fittler, aka Freddie, Adolf, Captain About-To-Cut-Loose, The Drunkest Man In The World (courtesy the front-desk officer at the Glebe Police Station) or that guy in the red and blue tie who kept stuffing his face every time the camera panned up to the coaches box last week. Wests have better cattle, Easts have better form. They're due to fall over. Wests in a close one. Man of the match likely to be Benji Marshall - having him defending on the wing is a smart, pragmatic call from a smart, pragmatic coach (any chance we can get Sheens back for Origin?)
Saturday Afternoon-Through-Evening-And-Into-The-Night Football
New Zealand vs Gold Coast, Mt Smart Stadium, Land O' The JAFAs
Or the Battle of the Sex Offenders as we're tagging it. Not likely to be that close - that stupendous 31-all draw against Sydney City
St George vs Souths, WIN Stadium, Wollongong Wollongong Dapto Wollongong
In the Charity Shield, the corresponding preseason fixture to this, big chinned cellphone specialist Mark Gasnier got absolutely no charity whatsoever (not the sort he's accustomed to anyway) and tore his pectoral muscle, critically foreshortening his season and even worse limiting his opportunities to hand out tickets to the Gun Show. He's since damaged a 'glute', which apparently is nothing to do with coach Nathan Brown's pledge to tear him a new arsehole if he didn't stop spending more time on the Footy Show than the rehab bench. Souths will likely play a team consisting entirely of leftover halves. This is what happens when you get a former number 7 to coach your side. Souths to WIN, solely on the advice of Janes Addiction: just because.
Parramatta vs Cronulla, Parramatta Stadium, Deep Amidst The Bogans
Back in the day, particularly in the post-Super League era when the Shire kiddies pretentiously demanded to be called simply 'The Sharks' (when did you wankers become a rugby franchise from Durban?), this was an easy one to pick: Parra, just on principle, because the Sharks were monkeyspankers. Now, not so much. Cronulla, even with the unlikeable Angry Ant wielding the clipboard, deserve more sympathy than the Eels for two completely irrational and unscientific reasons: one, Cronulla busting out their '80s playing strip for the year was a very cool way to pay tribute to the passing of Sludge Rogers the First, so maximum global restecp; and two, Parra coach Michael Hagan and chairman Denis Fitzgerald are both complete and utter cunts. Just trust me on this. Parra will win, the Ant will be Angry, and Timana Tahu will look like an absolute bargain given the relative fuck all the NSW Rugby Union paid for him.
Sundy Arvo Footy (Ay)
Canterbury vs Canberra, Kooee Stadium, Homebush
A game to sink your teeth into - presuming anyone makes it to the venue without getting shivved on the train by fulleh siiiick Dogs fans, this might be closer than you'd think. Canberra did everything but win on one of the most shite-flavoured road trips in the comp, up to KKKville to play the Cowboys. Meantime the Dogs have been oscillating sine-curve-stylez between arsey wins and flatteringly close losses. Large William Mason is out but declines to shut the fuck up about it; likewise many of their forwards are either injured or suspended. Having said all that, Dogs to bite back in this one.
Brisbane Norths vs Toowoomba Clydesdales, Olympic Park, Melbourne
Recapitulation of last year's NRL Grand Who Cares Fixture, with Brisbane attempting to set the record for the Most Busted Arse Concern In The History Of Football - Buddha Handy might get a run in the halves the way things are going - and Melbourne attempting in turn to see just how shit they can get away with playing while still managing to win football games. Our pick for Sunday afternoon: watch something else. Even reruns of Get Smart would be more entertaining. Actually watching this game may in fact be the dumbest thing short of cleaning your contact lenses with your own gob. Melbourne to win, should anybody still be awake at this particular juncture.
The token Monday night game designed to give alcoholics a reason to frequent the pub on a school night
Penrith vs North Queensland, Penrith Football Stadium, Even Deeper Amidst Boganville
Penrith are in form now that it doesn't matter, while the Cowboys are in woeful form now that it does. For further reference please consult the Macquarie Dictionary, under 'Massively Irrelevant'. The winner: whatever's on Fox Sports 2 at the same time.
The Doctor is OUT. Pending a fitness test on the morning of the game.
